Hold On

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Show of hands: Who has watched the classic Jamie Lee Curtis movie, “Freaky Friday”?  If not, then maybe the remake with the Lindsay Lohan -obsessed tweeners?  If I’m really dating myself, there was also a Judge Reinhold film called “Vice Versa".  The premise was simple...a classic…two people wish they could switch places with each other.  The next day when they wake up…

You guessed it…

It actually happens.  They live in each other’s bodies. Deal with each other’s crises (be it at work or school).  Sample each other’s relationships.  There are ups and downs… but, in the end…

Spoiler alert!

They preferred their own lives and worked tirelessly to get them back.  In various instances in my life, I speak from experience when I apply here the old adage that the grass is not always greener on the other side.  And sometimes, many times, people put on airs...masking their true feelings.  

Think about the executive in your office with a fancy sports car…He may have an estranged relationship with his daughter because he works too many hours each week, missing all of her “big” moments.

Then there is the mother of infant twins who left her job to stay home with them all day…She is depressed about her haggard appearance and misses uninterrupted visits with her friends over dinner and a night of dancing.  She has nobody to talk to these days and feels incredibly lonely.

Or how about the model who travels all over the world for photoshoots?  Her looks are flawless, but she has an eating disorder she can’t tell anyone about.  Or maybe she feels enormous pressure to maintain outward "perfection" defined by cultural norms in our media-fueled society, but can't fathom letting go of her lifestyle long enough to enjoy just being.  

These past two years, I feel as though I have spent some time learning how to love myself.  And sometimes when I look back on exactly how much different my life is now, there it is, the pang of a joyful jump-up in my heart, serving to remind me of just how far I have come.  And...then there are times when I feel nervous, shaky, unsteady in my emotional footing of just where to go next.  Putting my finger on EXACTLY what is causing me to feel like this from time to time is still a mystery to me. I chalk it up to severe anxiety, but the truth is I am still figuring myself out after years of sending my own needs, thoughts, desires, and dreams to the back of the line.  I am reminded of a standalone filing cabinet, papers and mementos and newspaper cut-outs stuck haphazardly into bland off-white folders with those cheap, graduated plastic labels that never can seem to hold the handwritten inserts unless you either use Scotch tape or got lucky and the moon and stars are aligned perfectly, take your pick.  The exterior is solid enough, sure, but is quite deceiving as to what is actually inside.  Really just very disorganized and pulling open the drawer is enough to incite feelings of dread and confusion and feelings of 'where do I even begin?'.  

Please don't misunderstand... I do not think of myself as a martyr.  Rather, when I am able to take deep breaths and reassess, it takes me a day or so but I tend to lean into these times and try and encourage myself to refocus my thoughts and attention and intentions.  What is important to ME?  How do certain events affect ME?  What do I need?  What can I personally do to make the situation better and still continue to grow myself and my relationships so that I don't stay stuck in these anxiety-afflicted ruts? 

At one point or another, I have pictured myself switching places with someone I perceived as having a better life than what I thought I had.  At some point or another, I have wanted to be somebody else, anybody other than myself.  But, I slowly came to realize that waking up and feeling the feelings of gratitude and love that I DO have in my heart (and trust me, sometimes it's extremely challenging for me to do this) and choosing to focus on the truly good things and people in my life is preemptive to feeling better.  I must say, learning to love myself has been quite the journey, one that's been laden with feelings of forgiveness, inspiration, setting my true intentions, raw honesty, looking heavenward rather than down at the ground, unconditional love, boundaries, trust, guilt, sadness, jealousy, anxiety, and disbelief alike.  It's felt very much like taking a big gulp of what you expect to be a good fountain Dr. Pepper and tasting spoiled milk instead.  It's felt very much like being on smooth autopilot and then suddenly losing altitude, only to feel my stomach rise quickly and then explode in my head. A Pandora's box of tranquil, pleasant rainfall at night that induces a perfect calm...only to give way to torrential, savage, raging storms that cause sewers and gutters to swell uncomfortably beyond capacity.  

And, just like Pandora's box, I still have Hope in these times.  I still hold on and do my best to look UP, to remain grateful, to look for the good in the situation, whatever it may be.  Some probably see this as an extreme weakness, but I pray I never lose this ability, and I want to encourage this in my children.  For me, anyway, sometimes this is all that has kept me going, this kind of hope, and I am sincerely thankful I have a few people in my life who help me remember all of this when I need it.  Deep breaths...Let go of that which is out of my control...and repeat until I am on the other side of that storm.