Humble And Kind

This song brings me to tears every time I hear it.  Sometimes, like tonight, I seek it out just to have  good cry.  Weird to some, I'm sure.  But to someone who for so long felt nothing and didn't want to feel anything, crying is to me just another healthy emotion.  I try and never tell my kids, "Don't cry," because I believe we should ALL be able to cry and be able to do it freely if we need to get it out.  

Growing up, the most ridiculous commercials would make me cry.  Woodland Hills Mall commercials at Christmas?  Where the little girl stands at the tip-top of her stairs and looks down at the Christmas tree?  It wasn't the tree I thought was so beautiful.  It was the hope and the joy in her eyes.  And some of those AT&T advertisements?  You know, Reach Out And Touch Someone?  Yes, those also.  I have no idea the mysteries that lie within the physiological functions of the body.  I have no clue as to what triggers such emotional intimacies with ourselves, but I'm sure grateful for them.  The human body is a beautiful thing...and it always seems to know what we need on every level.  Even if that need is to cry and put something outside of ourselves.  Is it a deep-seated entrenchment of the rawest and most vulnerable emotion making its way out?  Is it grief manifested by the ins and the outs and the in-betweens that happen to us all, every day? I don't know.  Actually, I try not to question it too much.  I just get it out and move it along.  

I believe I inherited this from my GrandMaud, my dad's mother.  We might be sitting in the living room watching 'Highway to Heaven', and I would look over at her in her chair and there she would be, tears streaming down her soft and wrinkled face, cigarette drawn up to her mouth.  It was as though she herself genuinely hurt for the characters onscreen.  I lived there from ages 7 until 18, and her empathetic nature both terrified and astounded me.  And then I would look at my dad and think, "How could someone with a soul like hers raise somebody like...my dad?!"

Now that I have babies of my own, I understand.

For me, I have a little dose of heartache mixed with a shot of happy delirium each day I let them walk out the door to wait at the bus stop.  They are going through a lot right now.  It's no secret that they are sad about this inevitable divorce that is getting ready to take place.  My heart breaks for them because I am not sad about it, but I find it difficult to relate to them where this is concerned.  I feel like I am not able to connect with them during the first time in their young lives where I SHOULD!  But still, I put them out the door and turn them over to somebody else for 10 hours out of our day.  It's like somebody walking up to my front door and asking to borrow my car keys.  It's backward, I think.  It's like somebody asking you in the middle of the street if they can help you take off your shoes.  But still, every single day of the working week, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday, we let them get far, far away from us...physically, mentally, spiritually...and they quickly become like helium balloons on accidental release.  Wild, directionless, and tossed about like they don't matter.

When I consider the futures of my kids, I feel as though my grandmother must have felt as she would watch her special shows.  I am so uncertain, and yet there is nothing that I can do about any of it except teach them what I know is right, and tell them what I have done wrong to learn from my mistakes...all in hopes that they won't make the same ridiculous, stupid, selfish, and careless mistakes to set them back, ever.  As their mother, I KNOW it is my responsibility to grow them up in a way that they will be self-sufficient little humans being.  But what about all the other stuff, the stuff that free will and personal choice affect?  There's not a lot I can do about that, is there?  I mean, they're going to make mistakes...little ones, large ones, ones that they'll never forget, and ones that they'll repeat over and over again just because that's how it goes sometimes.  Goodness knows I have been there.  Maybe that's why it pulls on my chest so hard.  Maybe that's why I feel that catch in my throat sometimes when I know what is about to happen.  I KNOW what a mess it is to try and fix big mistakes. I relate to the embarrassment, the shame, the remorse.  But, I also know that if it weren't for my mistakes, I'd not be able to have the chance to be who I really am.  

My son is such a kind little boy.  He makes my heart swell with love, and hope, and joy, and surprise, and wonder.  I feel a short-lived tinge of sadness when he is near me, so I just hug him tight until it goes away.  I happen to be a person who puts a lot into a name, and so the case of naming my children was no different.  I truly believe a name can and should embody everything about the person, place, or thing, and if it's done right, the person, place, or thing will, in good time, grow into that name.  My son's name is Griffin.  While the name itself is primarily of Irish decent, gryphons were legendary mythical creatures with the body, tail, and back legs of a lion; the head and wings of an eagle; and sometimes an eagle's talons at its front feet. Swift.  Fierce.  Aristocratic and regal.  Precise.  Balanced.  A fighter, one who prevails always, and uses his instincts to save lives and take them.  My Griffin happens to display all those personality traits, age-appropriately, of course.  I am SO grateful for his sweet and gentle spirit. I sometimes grow impatient with him and then he looks up at me and there they are, my tears, falling just as my grandmother's once had.  It is really something very special to be a mommy to a little boy.  And, in 20 years when he is 26, I will **still** be the mommy to a little boy.  My tears fall tonight because this world is hard, especially on people who are different.  It breaks my heart just how mean others can be based on abilities or challenges, and then in the very same breath I am amazed and grateful at how much love and patience most people in this world really do have if they are only given the chance and these expectations of them are made well known.  I hope that no matter what, Griffin stays my same big-hearted and loving  boy.  I love him so, so very much!  He is a special and precious individual and I have a fierce urge to protect him always.  I love you, Bubby Man.  I will always believe in you.  May the Lord bless you and keep you, Son.   Mommy loves.  <3  

You know there's a light that glows by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
'I love you' ain't no pick up line so
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

When it's hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind