Hypnotised

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The next big thing I will be dealing with is getting this divorce filed and finalized.  It's time.  We've been split up since October 2018, with never an intention to get back together.  When I left Todd's house, I left Todd's house for good.  

I must admit, though, I'm not the world's most devious person.  Everybody gets in my head and tries to make me realize that half of all he has is also mine.  People tell me to go for it, go for it all, and I'm like, "Go for what?"  The only thing I ever wanted out of this whole thing was for both of us to revel in peace and live happy lives...and that goes for  my children, too.  Todd and I actually get along much better now that we are not under the same roof and now that we are apart from one another.  Before I left, I envisioned us parting ways a much stronger force than when we were actually together. It has taken awhile, but look!  It's totally taking place! I still envision Todd one day finding it within himself to forgive me, but I no longer crave it or need it to be at peace.  I made mistakes, and so did he.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  

Sure, I've had my moments of rage since we parted ways.  I've been SO! mad at him that I could have easily ripped off his head and shat down his neck!  I have been so upset that he rejected our three kids out of spite for me.  But...the bottom line is that I JUST WANT TO GET THROUGH THIS so that we can call it quits legally and both of us get on with our lives.  Sometimes, we just outgrow people...and they, us.  And what have I learned throughout all of this? I have learned that it's okay.  It maybe isn't ideal and perfect and admirable to divorce your husband, but it's still okay!  Sometimes things need to happen so that we don't choke on our own sadness.  Sometimes, walking away and looking at the entire situation with a grateful heart about what we've learned and how to do it differently next time...sometimes that's the best remedy for everyone involved.  Forgiveness just automatically falls into place, I believe, when we are mindful about not setting out to hurt the other party.  

I have heard this deemed "conscious uncoupling", and while I feel like it's an extremely liberal and PC term for that stark word we all know, DIVORCE, I actually kind of appreciate it.  To divorce someone sends images to my brain of expensive lawyers, mediators in the courtroom, the guardian ad litem, all that stuff.  Transcripts of trials and even more bills due in the name of legal counsel.  However, with conscious uncoupling, in my mind I see a man and a woman, and they are not right for one another and they both know it.  They are very much different people, you see, and they've just reached that very grown-up point to look at themselves and each other with very honest, open hearts...and then they walk away.  No bad-mouthing.  No name-calling.  No trying to fight for material things that never really mattered anyway.  No vying for half of his 401K, because really, I didn't work for it and so therefore I do not ethically believe I have a right to it.  Money was never the reason I married Todd, anyway, so why would I let that be the fallguy for our demise?  

“Conscious uncoupling”, and its counterpart “conscious coupling”, are phrases that suggest the possibility of a certain level of control over the emotionally volatile matters of love, sex and attachment. At its worst, the implication is that if you are a clever, decent person, you should be able to manage your relationships in such a way as neither to cause, nor suffer, extremes of pain, and to preserve the dignity of both parties at every point in the romantic or sexual encounter.

A brief flick through literary history might suggest that this is a tall order, but Shakespeare, Stendhal and the Brontës didn’t know what it was like to contend with the constant, baleful gaze of social media. In the old days people could have tantrums, wreak revenge and die of heartbreak when their love stories didn’t go according to plan. Now it is 'de rigueur' (translation: required by etiquette or current fashion) to retain a consistent appearance of sentimental hygiene given that everything you do or say needs to be fed into the like-machine. It’s become a competitive sport. What would people think of you if they knew you felt hurt, rejected, brimming with envy or rage? Perhaps it would seem at odds with your job as guarantor of the possibility of the charmed life.

Still, is conscious uncoupling simply another unrealistic, persecutory ideal? (If Gwyneth Paltrow, American actress, singer, author, and businesswoman; daughter of famed Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow himself...If Gwyneth and Chris Martin, a British singer, songwriter, musician, record producer, philanthropist, lead singer and co-founder of Coldplay can do it, why can’t I?) Or might there be things I can do on the journey in and out of love that can truly make life easier for everyone? The term itself was coined by the American writer and psychotherapist after my own heart, Katherine Woodward Thomas, and the process she describes is one of radical generosity coupled with fearless introspection. In practice, this means refraining from doing most of the things people are liable to do in the aftermath of a serious emotional letdown.

For instance, don’t blame the other person and badmouth them around town. Even if they really did do something terrible to you, don’t be deflected from thinking about your own role in the situation. The point isn’t to “win”, but to LEARN. Allow yourself truly to mourn and recover. Don’t pay heed to that hideous old adage, “happiness is the best revenge”; if you want to feel better in real life, the best way is to be honest with yourself about what you’ve lost, and to be frank about any hopes you have for the future. In short, Woodward Thomas is describing an authentic grieving process, some of which is liable to be very painful, and might not look nice from the outside.  I have gone through this myself, and not too long ago.  

I've never really been very fascinated with celebrities.  I don't keep up on the latest movies, the best-looking actors or actresses (I still have a crush on both George Clooney and Kevin James...oh, and  Meg Ryan, too).  I never cared what the gossip magazines wrote about.  I have enough noise in my own head, whyever would I buy into someone else's?  We as Americans tend to hold celebrities to impossible standards, which they then attempt to demonstrate for us at goodness knows what cost to themselves, and we punish them when they let us down. We, in turn, risk finding ourselves feeling terrible when we are unable to adhere to the ideals of perfect social grace we see constantly enacted in front of us. In this alienating hall of mirrors, one must attempt to look good at all times.  

Losing love, and being replaced, can be terrible narcissistic blows. What better way to cover our  tracks and lick our wounds than to find a smidgen of Peace within ourselves, and then let it grow?  Hang onto that feeling.  FEEL GRATEFUL FOR LOVE, EVEN BEFORE YOU'VE FOUND IT.  Put YOUR love out there.  Remove toxic individuals from your life, and steer clear of drama.  Remember the good times...but learn from the bad.  My advice?  Take whatever it is you have learned from your old relationships and forge ahead when you are ready.  May all my friends be blessed in their relationships.  Remember to cherish your Special Person with all your heart.  Let us FORGIVE one another, and move on and remain strong for those around us who desperately NEED for us to be strong. Love and Peace to my friends, always!  And, Love and Peace to my almost-ex-husband, Todd.  I believe I am a better person because of my relationship/marriage of 15 years, I am SURE Of it.  ...and...I'm so very grateful for that.  So many components of relationships can change for the better if both parties are willing to change perspectives and show one another some grace.  Marriage may not have worked for US...but I fully believe neither of our stories are over yet.