This Must Be the Place

​Iam absolutely SPEECHLESS.

For once, I had the good sense to bring a pile of US Mail with me to go through while I waited...and waited...on these loads of laundry to wash up. Sure, I got the electric bill, but then the next envelope contained a check for a dab of unexpected money (!!).  I mean, who doesn't feel excited to receive money you never knew you would get in the first place?  A pleasant thing, indeed.  This is actually the fourth or fifth week in a row now I have experienced joy, and in new forms and waves, no less! I remain humble and very, very thankful.  My cup runneth over, you see.  

Then.  Then!  The best THANK YOU card I think I’ve ever had the pleasure of holding...and from someone who doesn’t even remember meeting me 20 years ago! I remember meeting her because she was a riot, SO funny, and made me laugh like a wild hyena, but she did not remember me when I asked her to be my Facebook friend. I remember how she had made me laugh, though, because traits like that are never forgotten by others who value them.  It has been nice becoming reacquainted with her after all these years.  And daily, I read her responses or her posts and I find myself just giggling and laughing.  These kids of mine think I've lost my ever-lovin' miiind.  I see the way they turn their heads and narrow their eyes, suspicious of this alllll.  I mean, I feel GOOD again.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  You might be surprised to discover that mutually, we have only one friend.  It is true, but it does not limit our friendship.  This lovely card I received today is proof, at least to me.  And I remain thankful!   
 
Kristi Langston, you made my whole entire day, week, month, season, year. Seriously, I’m not kidding. What I felt when I read this reaffirmed to me that maybe I’m not just a blatantly optimistic idiot with a good vocabulary but no direction, but rather that my Original Goals are coming to fruition. Finally, they are starting to manifest in new and unbelievable ways.  I can't see what forever looks like, but I am choosing to acknowledge each little thing as it unfolds, because it is all significant on some chord or another.  To lean more into myself in all my starring roles (ha!) and relaxing into the stark realization that Hey!  Life stinks sometimes, but it is what it is and I'll make the best of it!, while also reclaiming a part of myself I feel I let go somewhere along the way, to start writing again, to heal myself once and for all in this process (or at least progress every day toward healing), and to help other people along the way.

My intention was to change my life through my school of thought. Depression has held me down for years, but about a year ago I decided to start really THINKING differently, and speaking positively into my children, into my friends; gradually, I have worked toward changing eating habits, spending habits, communication habits/ruts, etc. I have always been a writer, but forever have felt ashamed by the work I’ve always turned out. So much of it is emotional or just not something others readily seek out, you know?  Well, I honestly do not feel that way anymore. I'm relaxing into that starring role, too.  Since fourth grade, I have wanted to be a novelist.  Fourth grade taken from age 41 is a looooong time to want something so badly, only to sit on it and punch it down and ignore it and let it rust down to something dangerous and ugly.  After all, You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone, and believe me when I say mine was almost gone.  Until I actively began to change my thoughts.  Then, it was like a small flame vamped into a full-blown bonfire.  But my party isn't nearly over yet.  My fire has yet to reach its height, you see.  I can feel it growing here in my heart.  It fuels me daily.  I write to fan the flame, to tame it again.......then let it brew up all wild again.  It really is a beautiful process to feel it.  To know that I created it is an even greater feeling of self-love.  I am responsible for changing my life.  Me.  And guess what?  I was only a Brownie, never made it to Girl Scouts.  And everybody knows they don't let Brownies learn to make fire.  

Alas, all I am capable of RIGHT NOW is my newborn baby, this very blog, and devoting to it what I can, when I can.   I genuinely want to help myself and others, too, because I know exactly how lonely and desperate I have been, the many, many demons I have fought (and smothered!), and my own self-depreciating patterns of behavior that have landed me right back here in my hometown, right where I was born and raised, and yet soooo far away from all the places and people and interesting museums and libraries and wonders of the world I’d imagined myself a part of so many years ago, "has-been" dreams of mine never fully realized. Lofty goals, if you please.  Update:  I now realize I *am* here for reasons greater than myself, and I’m trying to embrace that and build on it.

If you would like me to try and pin down one main shift in perspective, I would say that it would be that I have actively tried to practice an attitude of gratitude.  In everything, try and see the situation in the best light and be thankful all the way around about it.  Situation may not be ideal, sure, but be THANKFUL it has come to me because, in a realm I do not quite understand, neutrons and protons and electrons are working as a force all around me, all around us.  It has to do, too, with the law of attraction and basically emitting thoughts not of what I don't want, but rather of what I DO want.  This is no easy task for me and I fail every day...but in choosing to say "thank you" and in choosing to be grateful and thankful, I keep getting good right back. I gently tuck it away and remind myself next time to maybe react differently, etc.  We can choose to be Reactive or Proactive, after all!! Good comes to me in the form of good news for myself or a friend, random checks in the mail or a specific savings of some sort, or a sale from my PC stock; good in the form of running into someone in town that with even a quick exchange, it has enhanced my day and hopefully their day, as well.  Just...I don't know...goodness.  That bubbly, happy feeling of hope mainly.  Hope that on the most basic level, I know deep down everything will be okay and that there is a REASON for everything.  Hope that one day my book offer will be mine, or at least there for the taking if I please.  Hope that in the way I am living with my newfound spiritual legs, I can help my children navigate through life with the notion that being kind to others and being kind to themselves is truly what our world needs to help others who are here with us, and who are hurting.  Also, forgiveness for ourselves and for others, too.  I mean, if we can't forgive ourselves, however can we forgive others?  I believe in God and I pray and there are many aspects of going to church I enjoy, but this even goes to a level I can't reach without first saying my thanks.  At least for me, this perspective sprouts hope inside of me and blooms to the tune of happiness.  For about the last year, it has risen up and happened exactly in this manner.  As a result, various aspects of my life are shifting.  While not all of those shifts are ideal and perfect, they are still taking place.  It is my job to be as still as I can and just give thanks, and keep to my path.  

Ms. Langston, I am grateful to you for your note.  Now, it is even more clear that this is where I’m supposed to be, until further notice from God and the universe itself. Not NYC or Boston or even Dallas.  Good old Nowata, Oklahoma!  I am absolutely doing what I can do with what I have, and eliminating from my life that which is toxic or hurtful; I am changing my heart; I am investing in myself through this creative outlet and my glorious, beautiful friendships; I am trying to finally live a life of purpose and with good intention in everything I do. So, obviously this must be the place.  Thank you, my friends.  I have gratitude for all of you who encourage and support me in this pursuit of my dream that looks to be propelled by this not-so-crazy-after-all philosophy I have adopted. My life is far from perfect, but I’m not seeking perfection. I’ve long since given up on that whole fallacy, that lie the devil insists on telling us.  Instead, personal peace and happiness in the details that make up life....and seeking comfort in and bringing to life the fabric of warm memories through music that has shaped me...Growth in all stages of my life...those are now my greatest pursuits, and it feels right in my world again.  ❤️